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What Keeps Ellen Page Up at Night?

So Ellen Page visited Conan O’Brien last week and shared some of her subliminal fears (and possibly hopes?) with the tall ginger late night host. It’s pretty weird, and you should watch the whole thing (below) for context:

It seems like a strange fear for such a talented actress! I don’t recall any of her roles that required nudity, or even came close. About the closest she’s been to being naked for the public’s eye is in some leaked video game screenshots of a 3D character that uses her face, but a computer-generated body. So another way to say that is that the closest she’s come to doing a nude scene is a pixelated computer drawing attached to a rendition of her head. Which is to say, not really at all.

But as she told Conan, she fears that one day she’ll be on stage in only her underwear and look down to discover that either her pubic hair looks like “an old man’s beard” or that she is topless and it has crept up her torso like kudzu so she looks like she has a “reverse hairy chest”. Stop a second to take in that image – utterly bizarre. (No word from Ellen whether there is any real fear of hair making an unwanted appearance, or if like so many young stars she shaves it all off.)

Besides her pilary nightmares, Ellen related another dream that sounds more delicious than frightening. She also dreamt that she was hanging out with Justin Bieber (possibly scary) and eating takeout from Ikea (definitely delicious). While I tend to think of the Beebs as more of a pest than a threat, I suppose if you were on the road while he is racing a Ferrari around and drinking he could pose a genuine danger to life & limb. It’s a pretty close matchup, though – exposed pubic hair vs. exposure to Bieber. I’m glad I don’t have to experience either one!

Was Solange Lucky?

By now I am sure you have all heard about the little dust up between Jay-Z and his sister-in-law, Solange Knowles, a couple weeks ago. The whole thing was caught on tape and first reported by TMZ. Solange was apparently quite upset about something that Hova said or did, as she went ballistic and physically attacked him in an elevator after the Met Gala in New York City. Contrary to his reputation for wielding a strong pimp hand, Mr. Carter refrained from defending himself from the assault or retaliating (probably wise, given his considerable size & strength advantage, not to mention his likely desire to avoid sleeping on a couch for awhile). That was Solange’s first bit of luck – the man she went after was family, and wasn’t likely to incur the wrath of his wife and in-laws by going Darth Vader and striking back.

Solange Knowles

She’s also lucky that her intended victim is someone much richer and more powerful than herself. Jay-Z is worth upwards of half a billion dollars nowadays, and could probably afford to turn himself into Robocop if he were badly injured (or just wanted to be awesome). Solange, on the other hand, is mostly known for being Beyonce’s sister. She has managed to accrue a net worth of about $5 million herself, which is some nice pocket change. Had Solange attacked one of us mere mortals in the Inland Empire, she might have been on the receiving end of a personal injury lawsuit. Many people would view being hit by a wealthy celebrity as their meal ticket – just getting a nice settlement would be life-changing for the average Joe. And there five million reasons to sue her if she were to cause an injury, so it definitely wouldn’t be a case of trying to get blood from a stone.

So the moral of this story is, if you’re planning to lose it and attack someone in an elevator, make sure that you go after someone who 1) wants to keep sleeping with your sister and 2) has so much more money than you that filing a lawsuit would be more hassle than it is worth.